May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
