Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
