Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
