she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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