You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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