I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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