It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
