I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what day is it and did you see me today?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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