Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
smell my finger.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dear god my vagina.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
