i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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