Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
