tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
