Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
