I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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