Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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