Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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