the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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