I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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