Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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