I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
