i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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