Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
