If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
