woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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