Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
