The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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