I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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