Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
