When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
