how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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