im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it hurts more in the daytime
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
