I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
