Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
