u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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