I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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