Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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