Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
