turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
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We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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