Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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