you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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