Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
