I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
