Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
