Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
