soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
