I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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