i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
