You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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