You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
