I heard we made out
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
