So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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