I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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