You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the day after is always just damage control
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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