wanna go halves on a baby?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
