In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
