my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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